Although more and more woman are turning to dating websites to find love these days, how many overcome  self-doubt sufficiently to actually go out to meet the guy.  How many bravely click on the profile of a guy they really like, never to send a message to him, the one they want?


For a lot of women, taking the initiative is still far outside our comfort zones. Traditionally the pursued, females know that if a man chooses us, we are appealing to him and generally, rejection has been our prerogative. Men learn from an early age that the odds of finding someone he fancies are in the main in his favour; therefore they take being rebuffed or ignored in their stride as part of the dating game. Whereas an otherwise average looking overweight man will confidently describe himself good-looking and “well built, ” women are too frequently stopped at the post with defeatist thinking:  he’ll never want me, I’m not attractive enough, I’m too fat, too short, not intelligent enough, not fit enough, not successful enough…..


This is self-sabotaging chatter, brought on by lack of self-esteem and confidence, a treacherous juncture where reality and conflicting media hype arise and confuse.  Self doubt is strongly based upon unrealistic images in our heads, largely fuelled by a relentless media.  Gok Wan tells us that real women (read anyone over size 8 and on the ‘wrong’ side of 39) can indeed have and deserve successful, fulfilling relationships – we can even “Look Good Naked,” but for the most part, television, magazines and billboards belie this truth. They reinforce a theme that only the ultra-attractive, overtly sexual, super-styled and well-heeled - are entitled to have them.


Now leap forward, let’s say we’ve pulled up our stockings, overcome these lies, clicked on the one that we want,….and think we’ve met Mr. Right.  With unresolved body and emotional issues tumbling about in the subconscious mind, it’s no surprise that if you make it as far as bed, it could still be pretty difficult to feel comfortable enough to relax into having an orgasm.  (Err….sorry guys - that’s even if you know exactly what you are doing. That being said, the clitoris requires attention for fifteen minutes to reach climax, and it turns out a lot of woman do not experience orgasm, in fact 67% fake it!


I can help uncover some of these issues with Hypnotherapy.


In my hypnotherapy sessions, I talk to my clients to learn a bit about their lifestyle and personality.    I relax my client into a light trance and gently guide her back to a time that she may have felt or experienced a trauma, drama, an anxiety or even a simple wrong word being said at a vulnerable young age. Being told you’re ugly or stupid for example, has left her with a “frozen memory,” a sense of unworthiness, not being good enough, feeling shame, pain, guilt or fear. Any of these could have an effect on her relationships and sex life.


All these thoughts and feelings are unbeknown to my client consciously. Whilst using hypnotherapy, we dig a little deeper into the subconscious mind where we can uncover these old wounds, heal them and then suggest into the subconscious new thought patterns such as feeling safe, confidant, loved, and deserving with a sense of self -worth and attractiveness that flows into the body for now, and the future.


So what about your moods? If you think happy thoughts, your subconscious makes sure that all the right hormones and other chemical messengers are sent out to the body so that you feel that happiness. We may say when spotting someone we know “she’s in a good mood” because she looks happy to us, her facial expressions show cheerfulness, her body language conveys cheerfulness. In other words, our moods or thought patterns and body language affect how we look, move and behave.  Positive thought patterns and taking confident action are the keys. Imagination and visualisation are powerful tools. For example, if we believe we’re deserving of a great relationship, and we see it, feel and sense we are in it, we can literally create that reality with the power of our minds. Albert Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”


Affirmations can work well too. If you want love in your life, you might say, “I give and receive love. I have attracted a good and loving soul mate into my life. My life is rich in love, passion and happiness.”   Say this on a regular basis at the bus stop, in a queue at the supermarket – anywhere, whenever you have time. Your subconscious mind does not know that it’s not true -it simply accepts the thoughts that are put into it and acts on that information, so long as the old wounds don’t over ride this.


So that’s the secret between a successful woman and an unsuccessful woman. They can both look beautiful and dress amazingly. One believes she is attractive and confident so she will attract men to her like bees to honey, (who by the way will also be confident and self –assured as like attracts like.)  The other woman will not fare so well because inside she just doesn’t have that belief. The men she may attract will be those that can manipulate and control. Have you noticed how a plain Jane ends up with a gorgeous fabulous guy? This is because she believes in herself and she is full of confidence. She will always act like she’s special so he believes she is! 


So dating ladies, if you want to get your man, get into the power of the mind. You’ll then be in for a happy ending in more ways than one!


Kim Alexis Dip Hyp GHR Clinical Hypnotherapist, Holistic Psychologist, Intuitive Counsellor. Kim runs a busy practice in Belsize Park London NW3.





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